Still Here

I'm still alive, I have lost a chunk of my sight, and am being sent for all manner of investigations into my eyes, joints, skin and heart, including seeing a geneticist, so everything's a bit crazy. I'm also on a clinical placement at the moment so learning lots in a very short space of time with long days, all whilst trying to maintain a social life and enter dance competitions that I'm probably not well enough to do. Tough times but I'm still here and still keeping going. Normal blogging will resume soon! I'm still on twitter and still check my emails regularly - let me know if you have any ideas for things you want me to blog about, or if you just want to get to know me better

Back soon!

Truffle

xx

Getting Left Behind and Vanishing...

It's been a little over a month since I last blogged, and it's not been the best of months which is why I've not been blogging, although I'm still around on twitter. My grandad's been really ill and has been in and out of hospital and generally a big worry for me. My sisters got A level and GCSE results. No idea how my sister's A levels went and I don't dare ask but my baby sister did fantastically in her GCSEs so I'm really proud of her. I've come back to university for a couple of weeks because I've had some clinical placement hours to make up from when I was ill and things were strained at home because my mum's been so stressed.

It's generally been quite lonely because my friends I had at home have all moved on and the few friends I have at university have been home for the summer. I kind of feel like everyone is moving on and leaving me behind. I'm still the same shy, insecure person I was when I was at school. I'm still permanently doubting myself and my abilities, and it feels like life is passing me by and that I'm missing out on things that should be normal for someone my age, like going out with friends and just actually enjoying university life.

I also feel like i'm being left behind in terms of the blogging world too. I used to have a really fab blog but now, it seems like it's pointless. I have little motivation to write because I get little back from this blog now. The number of comments have dwindled and I just don't think it's worth the effort any more. It seems more successful and popular blogs have more popular people behind them and they're streaks ahead of me. Let's face it, who wants to read this when you can read blogs by people like Mark Glencorse and Stuart Gray? I guess I'm just going to have to decide whether I want to even blog any more, because quite frankly, it just doesn't seem worth it, and too many people keep trying to shoot me down and stop me blogging.

USA Medical Student Day

Over in the states it is currently still July 1st which apparently (according to MedicDani) is Medical Student day there. So, this post was her idea and nudging me towards getting some fantastic advice from all of you hopefully! What I'd love would be for you to tweet @ me or to leave in the comments box or to email me is your piece of advice for brand new medical students, or students starting placements or junior doctors about to start their first jobs, or advice for medical professionals in general. Just one piece of advice is all I ask!

Here's Dani's piece of advice:

Befriend the nurses and the aides. We will be your best friends or your worst enemies and we have more power with the surgeons than you think. We decide whether to like you or not based on your first day, so the only staff to fear on day one is the Nurses and aides.

Looking forward to reading all of your pieces of advice!!

New Everything

I'm having a new start right now and am working hard, doing things ahead of schedule and even handing in essays a bit early. I've also changed the look of the blog - let me know what you think! Hopefully it reflects the fact that all of this is still a journey for me. The third thing that's changed is my contact details. The email address is now FutureHEMSDoc@gmail.com - a lot easier for people I think, and hopefully a few more of you would email me. If there's anything you'd like me to blog about, or if you have yourself written a blog post, or if you just want to ask me questions or get in touch, send me an email!!

Back in Business

Sorry guys - the blog went private so I could make a few tweaks and changes to the site and comments.

Change number 1:

You need to be signed in to make a comment - no more of this anonymous slagging me off business. If you're going to insult me, at least be man (or woman) enough to admit who you are instead of this cowardly hiding behind a keyboard.

Change number 2:

All comments are being moderated. Didn't want to do it but, as people continue to use the comments of my blog to try and put me down and give me a bad reputation, it has to happen. Sorry but I no longer have a choice about this.

Change number 3:

The top of my blog now states its exact purpose. It may sound selfish, but really, this is my diary, and whilst I'm happy for people to comment and ask me stuff, I will answer eventually, but it is for me ultimately, and on here, I'm putting myself first for a change.

Change number 4:

My contact details are now down the side of the blog, with a link to my twitter page.

Change number 5:

The big image of me is gone - just didn't like having it there. Instead is a wonderful picture of an air ambulance that I believe is in Austria. Clicking on it takes you to the source.

What are we supposed to do?

As medical students, sometimes we encounter situations we are not at all expecting, and that we struggle to deal with because it's not something we've yet covered in our training. We then don't get the opportunity to later discuss how best we should have dealt with the situation, so when it comes to the next time around (which inevitably, there WILL be a next time) we have very little idea what we should do, what we're supposed to do. Thing is, I just can't work out how to change this. It needs to change. We can't be left feeling like this every time we encounter situations like this.

Ideas on a postcard please.

Alternatively you can email me or DM me.

Future HEMS Doctor?

When I joined Twitter, I started out as MedStudentFaye. That's me, that's who I am and what I am. Plain and simple. I soon realised thought, that I wasn't happy just being me. I wanted to aim higher. I wasn't happy just being mediocre or average. So, I became FutureHEMSDoc, in order to give myself something to aim for. However, this year, I've been doubting myself. A LOT. I haven't been at all happy at UEA, that's no secret. The course isn't really right for me and I haven't made many real friends at all on my course, or even at UEA in general. I feel isolated and alone a lot of the time, despite having a wonderful boyfriend (NorfolkDocToBe) but he's usually up in Manchester, but at the moment he's the other side of the world. I love him to pieces but him being so far away is currently very unhelpful! I don't at all begrudge him the opportunity he has in Australia, and am really pleased he's enjoying himself and travelling and learning a bit more about himself and what he wants to do as he advances in his medical career. He's made for medicine. I'm not so sure that I am.

I've had several lengthy discussions with many of my good friends on twitter about all of this - mostly Mark Glencorse and his lovely wife Sandra, as well as iMedicFF (who has put up with me crying far too much!) who have been fantastic in helping me decide what is best for me, and what I should do. (Thank you guys! Really appreciate all the lengthy conversations - I know I'm a pain in the butt, but you've helped me out a hell of a lot). But in the end, no matter how much I discuss this with people, it is MY decision. I changed my twitter name so there was no pressure on myself to be FutureHEMSDoc, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't be me if I didn't push myself. For now, I'm going to work as hard as I can at this medical degree, because I'm not one for giving up. If I pass the year, I'll carry on and work until I get to where I want to be. I'm not particularly bright, and I'm not popular or happy on this degree, but once I'm qualified, I can do so much with it, and I just can't waste that opportunity. I've got this far, and I couldn't forgive myself if I threw that away. If I fail the year, at least I gave it a go and did my best, but I'll then go and be a paramedic. I'd be happy in that job, I know I would. I love every single aspect of it, even the paperwork and the picking up drunks on a Saturday night, but I think I'd always feel like I lost the opportunity to do more. I'm not at all putting down paramedics and what they do - the VAST majority of those that I've met have been fantastic people, highly skilled and far better than I would ever be at that job, but as a doctor, I could do many more different things, and maybe even change the way a few things work for the better.

As I said in my first post, I'm stubborn, opinionated and I care a hell of a lot. Because of that I'm going to do my best whatever I do. I'm going to keep going out observing with paramedics as much as possible (if you're a paramedic or tech who wants an observer, give me a shout!! I'd love to go out with as many different people as possible). I'm going to keep working as an HCA in my hospital, and I'm going to speak to ambulance services about student paramedic jobs, and look into paramedic science degrees, because I'm still a little unsure.

I'm crying as I write this, not because I think I'm making the wrong decision, but because I think, for now, I'm making the right one for me, even if the world seems to be passing me by because of it, and because I've put a lot of people through my crying and worrying and stressing over all of this.

To everyone who has helped me with this decision, including those who I haven't mentioned by name: Thank You. You don't know how much help and support you've been. Honestly, you don't.

To everyone who has put me down and told me I can't do this, and told me to quit and that I'm useless and  a waste of space, and that I'll be a rubbish doctor: I'm going to prove you wrong. You may put me down, and say awful things to me, but it's just making me stronger. I'm going to FIGHT until I have nothing left.And I'm going to do what's right for ME.