I made it!

I made it. I actually survived 3rd year. I've passed all my assessments, and all my end of year exams (including the OSCE where I was continually attacked by a wasp!) and I've survived. I'm finally a 4th year.

This year has been horrific, looking back. My grandfather died, my grandmother has been in and out of hospital very ill too, I've had surgery for a very stupid injury, and suffered a lot of ill health as a consequence; and I've had a bit of a decline in my mobility. Of all of that, losing my grandad just before my 21st birthday was definitely the worst part of the year. And although passing the year is a great achievement, it makes it all the more real that my grandad will never see me graduate. He was immensely proud of me, and what I do, and I wish he was here to see my finally happy and truly loving my degree and chosen career.

Having an entirely free summer is giving me time to reflect on the year and how it went. I think the best description has to be rocky. A bit like being on a boat in a storm, that's only just passed. But even with all the difficulties, I've done well in all my exams, I've become a lot more settled, and I've become more confident and happy. I've also made some truly fantastic friends this year. One of whom is a junior doctor, without whom I probably wouldn't have passed the year, or stayed sane. So, a BIG thank you for being an amazing friend this year goes to Natalie, a very lovely person and a fantastic F2 Doctor.

This year has definitely made me a stronger person, and I think things can only get better from this point. I'm much more open to the possibility of several careers in medicine, including paediatrics, anaesthetics, intensive care, as well as my still very strong love of A&E and Pre-Hospital medicine. I'm completely at home in the hospital now, and really loving my placements. I've realised even more this year how much of a privilege it is to see patients, and to all of you who let medical students see you, thank you, it really is SO valuable.

Next year I have much to look forward to. Rotations in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Paediatrics, and my elective, a new PBL group and a chance to meet new people, and I honestly can't wait to get back. But, for now, I'm going to kick back and enjoy my summer. I won't get many more holidays like this, so I'm going to do my best to make the most of it!!

Truffle

x

Still Here

I'm still alive, I have lost a chunk of my sight, and am being sent for all manner of investigations into my eyes, joints, skin and heart, including seeing a geneticist, so everything's a bit crazy. I'm also on a clinical placement at the moment so learning lots in a very short space of time with long days, all whilst trying to maintain a social life and enter dance competitions that I'm probably not well enough to do. Tough times but I'm still here and still keeping going. Normal blogging will resume soon! I'm still on twitter and still check my emails regularly - let me know if you have any ideas for things you want me to blog about, or if you just want to get to know me better

Back soon!

Truffle

xx

What do you see?

After my last post, I had comments on twitter saying that I was insulting people whose eyesight really was failing as I can obviously manage to do clinical skills with no problem, and that if I couldn't I'd be a danger to my patients. I was a little hurt by these comments, because until you've experienced what it's like to have sight like mine, it's difficult to appreciate the challenges I face with it.

I manage to do clinical skills fine because I adapt as I learn the new skills and find a way to do them that works for me. As a child I learned to hold a pencil different to other children because I couldn't coordinate the pencil well enough to write the "normal" way. My handwriting was still dreadful but it worked for me. If you learn a new skill, you don't necessarily do it exactly the way it was taught - you make adaptations that work for you, and that applies to everyone, whether you have difficulties with sight, hearing, understanding, mobility, etc or not. Most of what I described in my last post are things I don't actually think about from day to day any more, because they're completely normal for me. It's just when I move house and change environments, particularly to somewhere I don't know, that I have to think and adapt what I do. I've recently moved to live on campus and I've already learned that I need to adapt to the new surroundings. Already today I've burned myself on the grill twice because it's high up on the wall and the grill tray comes out at an angle that's difficult for me to see. I've walked into walls because the corridors are narrower than I'm used to at home. It's frustrating, but in another week or so there won't be those problems any more because I'll have adapted and they'll become normal adaptations which require little or no thought.

A perfect example of problems in new situations was whilst out with a friend today. We were in one of those gadget type shops with lots of electronic toys that run around and fly etc. One of the shop assistants was flying a miniature helicopter. It was black with a blue light on it but because of the speed it was moving and the colour and size it was, I just didn't see it and nearly walked into it head on. A toy like that can do a surprising amount of damage to a person's face, it will at least sting for an hour or so if the blades catch you - trust me on that one! I didn't see it mainly because it was on my left hand side. If I'd have been somewhere I'd known to take extra care, I'd have been looking left more often by swapping control of my eyes and forcing my brain to use my left eye - just like I do when I'm driving. Small adaptations that just make me and other people safer.

Essentially what I'm saying is, I don't claim to be anything i'm not. I just make do with what I have. I'm grateful for the sight I do have and want to protect and preserve that for as long as possible. I'm not trying to make out things are worse than they are, I'm not trying to get pity or sympathy. I don't want that. I just want a little understanding, because outwardly, i just look like a clumsy twit. I look "normal". I conform to society. If you look at a photograph of me, you can't tell there's anything wrong. You might pick up that I have a squint (I hate that word by the way. I squint when I look at the sun. So does everyone! It doesn't mean my eye looks like it does - that's amblyopia if you want to call it something medical, or a lazy eye if you don't). I don't make a big thing of it. I don't like drawing attention to it - people comment on it enough as it is without me pointing it out! But if people ask why I do something differently then I explain. Just because outwardly everything seems fine, doesn't mean that I'm not struggling.

So, my question to you, what do you see when you look at me? Do you see a girl who is quite frankly struggling, or do you see the outwardly bubbly "normal" person, or do you see a moany whingey whiney person? Yeah I complain about it from time to time, but wouldn't you? I'm only human after all.

What are we supposed to do?

As medical students, sometimes we encounter situations we are not at all expecting, and that we struggle to deal with because it's not something we've yet covered in our training. We then don't get the opportunity to later discuss how best we should have dealt with the situation, so when it comes to the next time around (which inevitably, there WILL be a next time) we have very little idea what we should do, what we're supposed to do. Thing is, I just can't work out how to change this. It needs to change. We can't be left feeling like this every time we encounter situations like this.

Ideas on a postcard please.

Alternatively you can email me or DM me.

An Invitation

As I'm really busy at the moment with possibly life changing decisions to make, revision to do, still feeling ill, and putting up with my family, I'd like to invite somebody else to write a post for me. Would like it to be about an experience as a patient, a medical student during your training or a paramedicine student during your training, or someone in a medical career coming across something particularly interesting.

Submissions to dysdiadochokinesia@hotmail.com by midnight (UK time) tonight preferably for the first post, and midnight Thursday for the second post of the week.

Look forward to reading them!

It's A Strange World

Those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that I've recently spent 9 days in hospital. It was an interesting experience to say the least. It was very up and down and incredibly emotional. I cried a lot, I got angry a lot, and I learned who my friends are really and truly. Being ill enough to be in hospital teaches you a lot.


It's a very strange experience being a patient in your own hospital. On the first two wards I was on, I knew the majority of the staff, and even managed to have a catch up with a few of them, but suffice to say, it was very odd not being in control of anything. Even through the pain, I wanted to answer ringing call bells.  I wanted to help the other patients who  looked more ill than me. I wanted to help everyone, and be the one to answer the call bells instead of being the one pressing my buzzer. I got a real taste of how horrible and scary and disorientating and confusing and just how strange it is being a patient. This is something I'm going to remember in future. I don't think I could ever fully appreciate what it was like in the hospital as a patient before now.


Throughout the whole time, my best friend and my boyfriend (The Manchester Medic) were both very supportive. They even made my birthday fun, despite me being in hospital and in pain, and feeling generally terrible. I felt like a fraud to begin with, because everyone else just looked so much more ill than I thought I did. It was only on the second night did I realise how ill I actually was. I'd fought this illness for a month before admitting defeat and letting myself be admitted to hospital. Medical Students are well known for the phenomenon that is "Medstudentitis". We all think we have every disease we study. Something that comes from having too much knowledge I guess. Except, I'd refused to admit that I really was ill. I kept saying I was fine until the point where I just had to give in.


I learned a lot from being a patient, and this is something I'm going to share over the next few days and weeks.


And for those of you wondering about my health - I'm still in pain, I'm still exhausted and I'm still ill. Nobody knows what's wrong but it's definitely not an infection or anything urological. If you want to play guess the diagnosis, email me and I'll give you a run down of my history and symptoms. Would be interesting to know what differentials people come up with!! Let me know by leaving your differential diagnoses in the comments of this post.

Little Blip and Nightmares

Apologies for my little blip last week. I still feel like crap, but normal blogging has now returned. (But related to that, I would love if you would let me know that you're reading, either via Twitter or a comment or email. Anything really! Would love feedback on the blog, and requests for things you want me to post about).


As those of you who have been reading the blog back will know, I have a really keen interest in Emergency Medicine. I love anything adrenaline fuelled and fast paced, and I even love treating the minor injuries and drunks etc in A&E (although I much prefer "real" medicine, I love it all!). This means that a lot of the cardiovascular medicine I'm studying at the moment is of great interest to me. I enjoyed my defibrillator training, teaching on arrhythmias and ECGs, teaching on MIs, teaching on AAAs. All of it I find really interesting, and geared towards the medicine I like and want as a future career. So, why am I having recurrent nightmares about being involved in my first cardiac arrest?


I've seen cardiac arrests before, but not been actively involved other than fetching and carrying. I've seen my first in hospital death, and yes it affected me, and I was upset by it, but it's the nature of this job that people will die sometimes. We all have to die eventually. What I don't understand is why I keep waking up from this nightmare panicking, and why throughout the dream I am absolutely petrified.


The nightmare starts with me following a consultant on a ward round. We go to a patient behind a curtain, and find them unconscious. Then begins the resuscitation protocol. I know exactly what happens, I've seen it before, I've been trained to deal with it. Yet, in the nightmare, when the consultant asks me to start compressions and to then start the defibrillation protocols, I freeze and panic, and see the patient slipping away before me. I get pushed out of the way, see a failing resuscitation attempt before me, hear in the distance the consultant ask if everyone agrees to stop and call the time of death. This is the point where I wake up. I wake up panicking and breathing far too quickly, and absolutely petrified.


I couldn't do anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't get myself to do what I've been trained to. I doubt in real life it'll be like this, because often, when I'm stressed then that intrinsic knowledge kicks in and I move and do what needs doing. I don't understand why I'm having these nightmares, because it shouldn't happen like that, and the likelihood is that, as a medical student,  probably won't be involved in an active resuscitation attempt for some time. But yet, that niggle is always at the back of my mind every time I'm in the hospital. I don't know why, and I hope this nightmare will go because I'm exhausted from waking up every night at least once. I guess I'll just have to beat this panic out of my subconscious.


As a weird aside, according to my housemate, I've been sleep talking. Mostly having conversations with my boyfriend apparently. Maybe this is all my stress? It's creepy, that's for sure!! Just hope I don't start sleepwalking!

Nerves

As I'm doing a cardiovascular placement in the hospital at the moment, part of this encompasses stroke medicine. In August my grandmother had a massive stroke, and as a result will be in a nursing home for the rest of her life. Because of this, I'm really nervous about this week's placement with the stroke team.


I worked on the stroke unit at the end of August once I'd come back to university. I thought I'd be fine and able to distance myself and to cope with it all. I was wrong, and I spent most of the day hiding my tears from the other members of staff. I was able to do my job, but I struggled to keep composed when I had a spare moment. I have a fair amount of free time this week. 2 hours a day is scheduled into our timetables. I'm worrying that I'll break down and be a mess. I'm hoping that I won't. In any case, this is the reason I'm still awake right now.


I guess I'll just have to take each day as it comes and keep on going.

A Little Dilemma

At my medical school, we learn clinical skills from year one. This year, I have so far been taught to take blood from patients and to cannulate them. However, I was taught to do these on a plastic arm. Those of you who are familiar with these "practice arms" will know that they just don't feel like a real vein on a real arm on a real person. 


My dilemma is this: However much you practice on a fake arm, it doesn't feel anything like the real thing. Cannulating your first patient, or performing your first venepuncture is absolutely terrifying and if you've never done it on a real person before, the chances are you might not manage it. If a patient asks you whether you've done it before, what do you say? "Yes, but not on a real person"? We're not allowed to practise on each other, and so we get no practice on real arms before we do it on real patients. I want to pose two questions to you.

1. If a patient asks you "Have you done this before?" and you've only done it on a plastic arm, what would you say?
2. Do you think medical students should be allowed to practise on each other, and what is your reasoning behind your answer?

I'd love to know what you think!! Leave me your comments and I'll try to answer them all.