Learning and Teaching

At my medical school, we're taught in a variety of ways. Traditional lectures, dissection, prosection, but also newer ways of teaching "Problem Based Learning", interactive seminars, teaching ward rounds, "structured patient teaching" and regular primary and secondary care (GP surgery and hospital) placements from your first year of study. Everyone has ways they learn best, and ways that aren't necessarily the best for them. Personally, I hate lectures. Often I feel they're "Death by PowerPoint" and it's quite easy to switch off in a warm, dark, comfy lecture theatre. Even easier to switch off when the lecturer turns up 10 minutes late, doesn't know what the lecture is supposed to be on, or what year of study you are (things that are rather important to know in my opinion!).

Recently, we've been timetabled some seminars, which are given by 2 different lecturers on alternating weeks. One lecturer is truly fantastic. He makes you think, hates PowerPoint, and obviously really enjoys teaching. The second sees the seminars as an opportunity to talk AT us, and show off how much he knows. Not something that is particularly helpful. I love learning, really I do, I wouldn't be at university if I didn't. But I have to be taught in an engaging way before I enjoy learning. Teaching is an important part of medicine - we're taught mainly by practising clinicians and other healthcare professionals, who see the stuff they teach us. This is unbelievably valuable and a fantastic learning opportunity for us as students.

Because of fantastic teaching, I myself find teaching other students valuable as a way of revising, and also I find it enjoyable - the look on someone's face when they finally understand something they've been struggling with is great when you've helped them reach that level of understanding. This has, however, left me thinking. I want to carry on teaching, and I've had fantastic feedback about my style of teaching. Should I look for more opportunities to teach as a student? I just don't know if my knowledge is good enough.

Invisible

In the last week or so, I've had to face up to the reality of being told that I, a medical student, an intelligent, stubborn, arsey young woman, am disabled. I'm not disabled in a stereotypical way. I'm not in a wheelchair, or deaf or blind. I don't have a walking stick or a guide dog. I have a complex medical condition. It affects my mobility in a way that most people can't see. It affects my vision in an undetectable (to most people) way. I can't walk far, or do things that are seen as normal. I can't easily cook myself a meal from scratch any more. I can't often read my textbooks with much ease. I can't write my own name or get out of bed some days. But I look almost completely normal. I have an invisible disabilty. I'm treated the same as everyone else because they can't see what's wrong. Some days, I love this. On days like today when I'm in excruciating pain and quite frankly want to hide under my duvet and cry, all I want is a shoulder to cry on and an offer of small help, but because it's invisible, so am I.

Eyes...

Anyone who knows me, will know that my eyesight is, quite frankly, horrific. I've worn glasses since I was 3 and had a patch that failed to correct a squint for two years when I was 4. I have poor spatial awareness and depth perception. I can see about 10centimetres (4 inches) from my face without my glasses. At the moment there are very limited options for contact lenses for me so I can't wear them currently because my prescription is so high. I cried the first time I wore contact lenses because I'd never seen myself in a mirror without glasses before.

Simple things are difficult for me because of my eyesight, so I'm going to attempt to describe an average day at university in order to explain just how difficult things are, because it's things people take for granted that I struggle with from day to day.

So, I wake up. First thing I have to do is find my glasses. Mostly this involves a lot of groping around. There's no point turning on the light yet because it won't help me see the glasses. Once I've found them (it usually takes about 10 minutes) the lights go on and I get up for a shower.

Showering is, well, fun. I have to make sure that my shampoo bottle is a different colour from my conditioner bottle and different again from my shower gel. I also have to have brightly coloured razors so that I can find them all. If my shampoo and conditioner look similar then I have no idea which is which until I pour them out. Glasses steam up in the shower so I can't see anything even if I do keep them on.

Once I'm showered I then get the fun of putting make up on. I have to have a mirror really close so I can see to do my eye makeup and then wait for it to dry before my glasses go back on. Putting in earrings I've learned to do by feel now so that's no issue. By this point I've usually fallen over or spilled something at least once. I'm permanently bruised from stupid accidents. Getting dressed means I don't wear anything with fiddly straps or buttons because I can't see to do them properly and my coordination isn't good enough to do them up based on feel alone.

Breakfast is again interesting. If I have cereal, it's a given that I will spill the milk. If I have toast, I'll struggle to get it out the toaster, cos where the toast is and where my brain thinks it is and thinks my hand is in relation to it are two very different things. Coffee is needed at this time in the morning and I'll miss the cup putting sugar in and spill it en route back to my room.

I pack my bag with my laptop, a textbook, notepad, highlighters, a ruler and pens and head off to lectures. When I get to the lecture theatre, I hold on to the railings/chairs as I walk downstairs cos I fall over a lot as I fail to judge how steep/deep stairs are. Once I'm settled in my seat (near the front so I can see the lecturer clearly), I fire up the laptop and download the powerpoint for the lecture. If I don't, I can't read it on the projector. At this point I usually have to enlarge the text and change the colours to make it easier to read. I follow through the lecture, making notes by hand, then immediately type them up afterwards - my handwriting is so bad because of my sight that if I don't type it up then I have no idea what it says a few hours later.

Lunch is the same as breakfast and I knock stuff over, fall over and spill things. Occasionally I miss my own mouth with food or drink which makes a right mess.

If I have a placement then things are even harder because a lot of the clinical skills we use I have to shut my eyes and use feel or shut one eye or the other to adjust for my sight and make sure I know exactly where my hands are.

Dinner is just as difficult as lunch and breakfast. I usually try and run before dinner, but if it's even just drizzling I generally don't because rain on my glasses means I really can't see.

If I'm doing group work then I type everything up with a coloured background so I can see the text better, then convert it back before I send it to the group. I have to edit all of the group's work so I can read it properly on screen usually as people aren't considerate when I tell them that I can't read certain things, and I can't afford to print off 30 odd pages of work a week.

These are just a few of the things I struggle with. If I told you all of them then we'd be here forever. The point in me telling you this is because I've been offered Phakic Intraocular Lens Implantation Sugery. Paid for privately by my dad. I want to leap at the chance but the risk of me losing my sight is high. Laser surgery isn't an option so this is my chance at as close to 20:20 vision as I'm ever going to get. But I'm petrified. I lose my sight, my career is over. Question is, do I take the risk?

Getting Left Behind and Vanishing...

It's been a little over a month since I last blogged, and it's not been the best of months which is why I've not been blogging, although I'm still around on twitter. My grandad's been really ill and has been in and out of hospital and generally a big worry for me. My sisters got A level and GCSE results. No idea how my sister's A levels went and I don't dare ask but my baby sister did fantastically in her GCSEs so I'm really proud of her. I've come back to university for a couple of weeks because I've had some clinical placement hours to make up from when I was ill and things were strained at home because my mum's been so stressed.

It's generally been quite lonely because my friends I had at home have all moved on and the few friends I have at university have been home for the summer. I kind of feel like everyone is moving on and leaving me behind. I'm still the same shy, insecure person I was when I was at school. I'm still permanently doubting myself and my abilities, and it feels like life is passing me by and that I'm missing out on things that should be normal for someone my age, like going out with friends and just actually enjoying university life.

I also feel like i'm being left behind in terms of the blogging world too. I used to have a really fab blog but now, it seems like it's pointless. I have little motivation to write because I get little back from this blog now. The number of comments have dwindled and I just don't think it's worth the effort any more. It seems more successful and popular blogs have more popular people behind them and they're streaks ahead of me. Let's face it, who wants to read this when you can read blogs by people like Mark Glencorse and Stuart Gray? I guess I'm just going to have to decide whether I want to even blog any more, because quite frankly, it just doesn't seem worth it, and too many people keep trying to shoot me down and stop me blogging.

1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep....

It seems I've become an insomniac. I haven't slept properly since last Tuesday. I'm currently surviving on 1-3 hours a night. 3 is good. Very good. It's making me feel horrific, I'm having horrible dreams, it's not doing me any favours healthwise (I have apparently some strange viral infection that is playing games with my heart rate and making me feel generally rather bizarre.). I want to go running, in the hope that it'll burn me out, but I can't risk it with my lungs being as rubbish as they are. All I want is sleep and I just can't get it. Any ideas for things to help? Sleeping tablets aren't working (prescribed ones. I have two types and neither seem to be doing anything.) neither are hot baths, lavender oil, milky drinks. Suggestions needed!! I need some sleep! I have an exam on Monday and my stress levels are even higher cos I'm not sleeping.

Love you Grandad Jack

My grandad died very suddenly at lunchtime on Tuesday. Safe to say I am a total mess.

Love you Grandad Jack.

Send Your Thoughts Please

Having a tough time at the moment. Failed an assignment and am not at all enjoying placement. Just would be nice if people could just send me a comment to let me know they're there. Aside from finally having Simon back, I'm feeling really quite alone.

Future HEMS Doctor?

When I joined Twitter, I started out as MedStudentFaye. That's me, that's who I am and what I am. Plain and simple. I soon realised thought, that I wasn't happy just being me. I wanted to aim higher. I wasn't happy just being mediocre or average. So, I became FutureHEMSDoc, in order to give myself something to aim for. However, this year, I've been doubting myself. A LOT. I haven't been at all happy at UEA, that's no secret. The course isn't really right for me and I haven't made many real friends at all on my course, or even at UEA in general. I feel isolated and alone a lot of the time, despite having a wonderful boyfriend (NorfolkDocToBe) but he's usually up in Manchester, but at the moment he's the other side of the world. I love him to pieces but him being so far away is currently very unhelpful! I don't at all begrudge him the opportunity he has in Australia, and am really pleased he's enjoying himself and travelling and learning a bit more about himself and what he wants to do as he advances in his medical career. He's made for medicine. I'm not so sure that I am.

I've had several lengthy discussions with many of my good friends on twitter about all of this - mostly Mark Glencorse and his lovely wife Sandra, as well as iMedicFF (who has put up with me crying far too much!) who have been fantastic in helping me decide what is best for me, and what I should do. (Thank you guys! Really appreciate all the lengthy conversations - I know I'm a pain in the butt, but you've helped me out a hell of a lot). But in the end, no matter how much I discuss this with people, it is MY decision. I changed my twitter name so there was no pressure on myself to be FutureHEMSDoc, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't be me if I didn't push myself. For now, I'm going to work as hard as I can at this medical degree, because I'm not one for giving up. If I pass the year, I'll carry on and work until I get to where I want to be. I'm not particularly bright, and I'm not popular or happy on this degree, but once I'm qualified, I can do so much with it, and I just can't waste that opportunity. I've got this far, and I couldn't forgive myself if I threw that away. If I fail the year, at least I gave it a go and did my best, but I'll then go and be a paramedic. I'd be happy in that job, I know I would. I love every single aspect of it, even the paperwork and the picking up drunks on a Saturday night, but I think I'd always feel like I lost the opportunity to do more. I'm not at all putting down paramedics and what they do - the VAST majority of those that I've met have been fantastic people, highly skilled and far better than I would ever be at that job, but as a doctor, I could do many more different things, and maybe even change the way a few things work for the better.

As I said in my first post, I'm stubborn, opinionated and I care a hell of a lot. Because of that I'm going to do my best whatever I do. I'm going to keep going out observing with paramedics as much as possible (if you're a paramedic or tech who wants an observer, give me a shout!! I'd love to go out with as many different people as possible). I'm going to keep working as an HCA in my hospital, and I'm going to speak to ambulance services about student paramedic jobs, and look into paramedic science degrees, because I'm still a little unsure.

I'm crying as I write this, not because I think I'm making the wrong decision, but because I think, for now, I'm making the right one for me, even if the world seems to be passing me by because of it, and because I've put a lot of people through my crying and worrying and stressing over all of this.

To everyone who has helped me with this decision, including those who I haven't mentioned by name: Thank You. You don't know how much help and support you've been. Honestly, you don't.

To everyone who has put me down and told me I can't do this, and told me to quit and that I'm useless and  a waste of space, and that I'll be a rubbish doctor: I'm going to prove you wrong. You may put me down, and say awful things to me, but it's just making me stronger. I'm going to FIGHT until I have nothing left.And I'm going to do what's right for ME.

PBL - A Problem Best Left

She stands in the shower, the warm water dripping down her face. At least now, nobody can see that she's crying. She gets out of the shower, shivers as her feet hit the cold tiles. She wraps herself in her towel and sits on the edge of the bath. As she looks down at her scarred legs she feels that deep lonely ache in the pit of her stomach. She hastily pulls on her clothes and leaves the bathroom. She scrabbles around for her books and pens and throws them in a bag. She turns on her hairdryer to drown out the noise of the students talking noisily and happily in the street. She picks up her bag, pulls on her boots and walks out of the door. Today is just going to be the same. She gets to her seminar group 5 minutes early. She gets out her notes and takes her seat, saying nothing but a polite hello. There's no point saying anything else any more. She feels unappreciated and disliked by the group. As the discussion begins, she is frequently talked over and ignored, and even put down by other members of the group. This isn't what this should be like. This should be enjoyable, and sociable, but instead, she gives in and sits in silence. She sits, and just hopes that soon it will end. She leaves, only to go to her lecture, and sit and cry silent tears, hoping that nobody can see.

This is my attempt at trying to express what PBL days are like for me this year. It's a constant struggled with my group and I dread the days. My tutor has been fantastic, and a great help and support, but I just don't feel valued, and I don't feel like my presence is even noticed. I guess, this is just the way it's going to be.

Oh Balls...

OSCE went very very badly. I will almost certainly have a resit in the summer. Balls.

Hardest Decision

So, I'm a week on, and nothing much has changed. I'm home for Easter and hating it. Family life is difficult and I don't fit back in anymore. To top it off, the boyfriend is in Australia so I can't even talk to him all that much because of the time difference (Time zones suck!!). I'm quite lonely here and all I want to do is sleep.


I'm having a real rethink about my life at the moment. I'm not really happy in medical school and I really don't know if it's the right thing for me. I always wanted to be a paramedic, but my school refused to send off the UCAS form with Paramedic Science on it, or write me a reference for a student paramedic position. My parents refused to support me in that career, and I knew that nursing and midwifery weren't for me, so I decided to just go for it and apply for medicine. I didn't think I'd get offers, let alone get the grades, but I did, even if it was by the skin of my teeth. 


Since then I've been struggling with everything at medical school, aside from the practical things. The science is way beyond what I can cope with without doing stupid amounts of work. I no longer have a social life and the stress is having an impact on my health. I love the practical stuff, and fast paced patient turnaround, but other than that, there is very little keeping me here. I haven't made many friends, I don't go out or even dance anymore (I used to be a dancer on the university Dancesport team) and I just don't see a reason why to carry on. I keep scraping through exams other than the practical ones and I'm just not enjoying much of it at all.


I'm thinking about leaving it all and going to be a paramedic. It's what I wanted to do in the first place and I think it's really where my heart's at but I just don't know. My parents would hate me for it, I don't think my boyfriend would really be all too happy about it and I just don't know. I can't decide. I've agonised over it, shed plenty of tears and lost a lot of sleep over it. It's a very difficult decision but one I will have to make soon enough.

It's A Strange World

Those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that I've recently spent 9 days in hospital. It was an interesting experience to say the least. It was very up and down and incredibly emotional. I cried a lot, I got angry a lot, and I learned who my friends are really and truly. Being ill enough to be in hospital teaches you a lot.


It's a very strange experience being a patient in your own hospital. On the first two wards I was on, I knew the majority of the staff, and even managed to have a catch up with a few of them, but suffice to say, it was very odd not being in control of anything. Even through the pain, I wanted to answer ringing call bells.  I wanted to help the other patients who  looked more ill than me. I wanted to help everyone, and be the one to answer the call bells instead of being the one pressing my buzzer. I got a real taste of how horrible and scary and disorientating and confusing and just how strange it is being a patient. This is something I'm going to remember in future. I don't think I could ever fully appreciate what it was like in the hospital as a patient before now.


Throughout the whole time, my best friend and my boyfriend (The Manchester Medic) were both very supportive. They even made my birthday fun, despite me being in hospital and in pain, and feeling generally terrible. I felt like a fraud to begin with, because everyone else just looked so much more ill than I thought I did. It was only on the second night did I realise how ill I actually was. I'd fought this illness for a month before admitting defeat and letting myself be admitted to hospital. Medical Students are well known for the phenomenon that is "Medstudentitis". We all think we have every disease we study. Something that comes from having too much knowledge I guess. Except, I'd refused to admit that I really was ill. I kept saying I was fine until the point where I just had to give in.


I learned a lot from being a patient, and this is something I'm going to share over the next few days and weeks.


And for those of you wondering about my health - I'm still in pain, I'm still exhausted and I'm still ill. Nobody knows what's wrong but it's definitely not an infection or anything urological. If you want to play guess the diagnosis, email me and I'll give you a run down of my history and symptoms. Would be interesting to know what differentials people come up with!! Let me know by leaving your differential diagnoses in the comments of this post.

Disappearing Act

Apologies for disappearances of posts and of myself from the blogosphere for the last two weeks. I've had a few problems with a few things. Mostly it's been friends, ex-friends, moving house, sick housemates, sick pussacat, placement and my own ill health causing problems. Just about everything really.


In the mean time, I've been sleeping, hunting for houses/flats for next year, in and out of A&E, Doctors surgeries and hospitals (Probable kidney stones. Joy.). I've been working stupidly hard on my project on cardiac physiology. I'm writing a report, and planning and creating a presentation (for the record, I really really really hate MS PowerPoint. I hate looking at them, I hate making them, I hate them full stop.) and it's taking up a lot of my time right now.


On top of all that I've been coping with horrible renal colic, resulting in me being given lots of painkillers and a referral to the urology clinic. I've also been dealing with my mental health. I have an appointment for CBT booked, I've had my antidepressant dose upped and some of my regular medications changed. Just now it seems my brain runs at 100 miles an hour and my body can't cope. I am hyper for a couple of days and then I crash out and get more depressed and sleep loads and cry and have a bit of a crisis over whether I want to be at Medical School still or not. Quite frankly, right now, I don't know what I want.


I'm really struggling academically this term and I don't know why. I absolutely love cardiology, and I find it fascinating and highly interesting but I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the science. I guess I'm just not up to this right now with everything that I've got going on. I need to know how best to make me learn this and I can't work out how. 


And to top it all off, on top of me feeling stupidly thick all the time at medical school, my housemate has just come in and made me feel about a centimetre tall. I want to help, really I do but I can't do anything. Right now, I feel completely useless no matter where I am or who I'm with.