I made it!

I made it. I actually survived 3rd year. I've passed all my assessments, and all my end of year exams (including the OSCE where I was continually attacked by a wasp!) and I've survived. I'm finally a 4th year.

This year has been horrific, looking back. My grandfather died, my grandmother has been in and out of hospital very ill too, I've had surgery for a very stupid injury, and suffered a lot of ill health as a consequence; and I've had a bit of a decline in my mobility. Of all of that, losing my grandad just before my 21st birthday was definitely the worst part of the year. And although passing the year is a great achievement, it makes it all the more real that my grandad will never see me graduate. He was immensely proud of me, and what I do, and I wish he was here to see my finally happy and truly loving my degree and chosen career.

Having an entirely free summer is giving me time to reflect on the year and how it went. I think the best description has to be rocky. A bit like being on a boat in a storm, that's only just passed. But even with all the difficulties, I've done well in all my exams, I've become a lot more settled, and I've become more confident and happy. I've also made some truly fantastic friends this year. One of whom is a junior doctor, without whom I probably wouldn't have passed the year, or stayed sane. So, a BIG thank you for being an amazing friend this year goes to Natalie, a very lovely person and a fantastic F2 Doctor.

This year has definitely made me a stronger person, and I think things can only get better from this point. I'm much more open to the possibility of several careers in medicine, including paediatrics, anaesthetics, intensive care, as well as my still very strong love of A&E and Pre-Hospital medicine. I'm completely at home in the hospital now, and really loving my placements. I've realised even more this year how much of a privilege it is to see patients, and to all of you who let medical students see you, thank you, it really is SO valuable.

Next year I have much to look forward to. Rotations in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Paediatrics, and my elective, a new PBL group and a chance to meet new people, and I honestly can't wait to get back. But, for now, I'm going to kick back and enjoy my summer. I won't get many more holidays like this, so I'm going to do my best to make the most of it!!

Truffle

x

Invisible

In the last week or so, I've had to face up to the reality of being told that I, a medical student, an intelligent, stubborn, arsey young woman, am disabled. I'm not disabled in a stereotypical way. I'm not in a wheelchair, or deaf or blind. I don't have a walking stick or a guide dog. I have a complex medical condition. It affects my mobility in a way that most people can't see. It affects my vision in an undetectable (to most people) way. I can't walk far, or do things that are seen as normal. I can't easily cook myself a meal from scratch any more. I can't often read my textbooks with much ease. I can't write my own name or get out of bed some days. But I look almost completely normal. I have an invisible disabilty. I'm treated the same as everyone else because they can't see what's wrong. Some days, I love this. On days like today when I'm in excruciating pain and quite frankly want to hide under my duvet and cry, all I want is a shoulder to cry on and an offer of small help, but because it's invisible, so am I.

Still Here

I'm still alive, I have lost a chunk of my sight, and am being sent for all manner of investigations into my eyes, joints, skin and heart, including seeing a geneticist, so everything's a bit crazy. I'm also on a clinical placement at the moment so learning lots in a very short space of time with long days, all whilst trying to maintain a social life and enter dance competitions that I'm probably not well enough to do. Tough times but I'm still here and still keeping going. Normal blogging will resume soon! I'm still on twitter and still check my emails regularly - let me know if you have any ideas for things you want me to blog about, or if you just want to get to know me better

Back soon!

Truffle

xx

Eyes...

Anyone who knows me, will know that my eyesight is, quite frankly, horrific. I've worn glasses since I was 3 and had a patch that failed to correct a squint for two years when I was 4. I have poor spatial awareness and depth perception. I can see about 10centimetres (4 inches) from my face without my glasses. At the moment there are very limited options for contact lenses for me so I can't wear them currently because my prescription is so high. I cried the first time I wore contact lenses because I'd never seen myself in a mirror without glasses before.

Simple things are difficult for me because of my eyesight, so I'm going to attempt to describe an average day at university in order to explain just how difficult things are, because it's things people take for granted that I struggle with from day to day.

So, I wake up. First thing I have to do is find my glasses. Mostly this involves a lot of groping around. There's no point turning on the light yet because it won't help me see the glasses. Once I've found them (it usually takes about 10 minutes) the lights go on and I get up for a shower.

Showering is, well, fun. I have to make sure that my shampoo bottle is a different colour from my conditioner bottle and different again from my shower gel. I also have to have brightly coloured razors so that I can find them all. If my shampoo and conditioner look similar then I have no idea which is which until I pour them out. Glasses steam up in the shower so I can't see anything even if I do keep them on.

Once I'm showered I then get the fun of putting make up on. I have to have a mirror really close so I can see to do my eye makeup and then wait for it to dry before my glasses go back on. Putting in earrings I've learned to do by feel now so that's no issue. By this point I've usually fallen over or spilled something at least once. I'm permanently bruised from stupid accidents. Getting dressed means I don't wear anything with fiddly straps or buttons because I can't see to do them properly and my coordination isn't good enough to do them up based on feel alone.

Breakfast is again interesting. If I have cereal, it's a given that I will spill the milk. If I have toast, I'll struggle to get it out the toaster, cos where the toast is and where my brain thinks it is and thinks my hand is in relation to it are two very different things. Coffee is needed at this time in the morning and I'll miss the cup putting sugar in and spill it en route back to my room.

I pack my bag with my laptop, a textbook, notepad, highlighters, a ruler and pens and head off to lectures. When I get to the lecture theatre, I hold on to the railings/chairs as I walk downstairs cos I fall over a lot as I fail to judge how steep/deep stairs are. Once I'm settled in my seat (near the front so I can see the lecturer clearly), I fire up the laptop and download the powerpoint for the lecture. If I don't, I can't read it on the projector. At this point I usually have to enlarge the text and change the colours to make it easier to read. I follow through the lecture, making notes by hand, then immediately type them up afterwards - my handwriting is so bad because of my sight that if I don't type it up then I have no idea what it says a few hours later.

Lunch is the same as breakfast and I knock stuff over, fall over and spill things. Occasionally I miss my own mouth with food or drink which makes a right mess.

If I have a placement then things are even harder because a lot of the clinical skills we use I have to shut my eyes and use feel or shut one eye or the other to adjust for my sight and make sure I know exactly where my hands are.

Dinner is just as difficult as lunch and breakfast. I usually try and run before dinner, but if it's even just drizzling I generally don't because rain on my glasses means I really can't see.

If I'm doing group work then I type everything up with a coloured background so I can see the text better, then convert it back before I send it to the group. I have to edit all of the group's work so I can read it properly on screen usually as people aren't considerate when I tell them that I can't read certain things, and I can't afford to print off 30 odd pages of work a week.

These are just a few of the things I struggle with. If I told you all of them then we'd be here forever. The point in me telling you this is because I've been offered Phakic Intraocular Lens Implantation Sugery. Paid for privately by my dad. I want to leap at the chance but the risk of me losing my sight is high. Laser surgery isn't an option so this is my chance at as close to 20:20 vision as I'm ever going to get. But I'm petrified. I lose my sight, my career is over. Question is, do I take the risk?

1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep....

It seems I've become an insomniac. I haven't slept properly since last Tuesday. I'm currently surviving on 1-3 hours a night. 3 is good. Very good. It's making me feel horrific, I'm having horrible dreams, it's not doing me any favours healthwise (I have apparently some strange viral infection that is playing games with my heart rate and making me feel generally rather bizarre.). I want to go running, in the hope that it'll burn me out, but I can't risk it with my lungs being as rubbish as they are. All I want is sleep and I just can't get it. Any ideas for things to help? Sleeping tablets aren't working (prescribed ones. I have two types and neither seem to be doing anything.) neither are hot baths, lavender oil, milky drinks. Suggestions needed!! I need some sleep! I have an exam on Monday and my stress levels are even higher cos I'm not sleeping.

An Invitation

As I'm really busy at the moment with possibly life changing decisions to make, revision to do, still feeling ill, and putting up with my family, I'd like to invite somebody else to write a post for me. Would like it to be about an experience as a patient, a medical student during your training or a paramedicine student during your training, or someone in a medical career coming across something particularly interesting.

Submissions to dysdiadochokinesia@hotmail.com by midnight (UK time) tonight preferably for the first post, and midnight Thursday for the second post of the week.

Look forward to reading them!

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you for all your thoughts, comments and prayers, and kind messages that you have sent me. They are all playing a part in my decision making, and I'd be grateful if you'd keep them coming and spread the word for me. I really appreciate your kind words, and they're all helping me on my way to reaching a decision. I think I'm nearly there, but I just need those last few bits of help and reassurance to keep me on the right track for me.


Thank you, all you kind people, and thank you social media.

Faye
xxx

Hardest Decision

So, I'm a week on, and nothing much has changed. I'm home for Easter and hating it. Family life is difficult and I don't fit back in anymore. To top it off, the boyfriend is in Australia so I can't even talk to him all that much because of the time difference (Time zones suck!!). I'm quite lonely here and all I want to do is sleep.


I'm having a real rethink about my life at the moment. I'm not really happy in medical school and I really don't know if it's the right thing for me. I always wanted to be a paramedic, but my school refused to send off the UCAS form with Paramedic Science on it, or write me a reference for a student paramedic position. My parents refused to support me in that career, and I knew that nursing and midwifery weren't for me, so I decided to just go for it and apply for medicine. I didn't think I'd get offers, let alone get the grades, but I did, even if it was by the skin of my teeth. 


Since then I've been struggling with everything at medical school, aside from the practical things. The science is way beyond what I can cope with without doing stupid amounts of work. I no longer have a social life and the stress is having an impact on my health. I love the practical stuff, and fast paced patient turnaround, but other than that, there is very little keeping me here. I haven't made many friends, I don't go out or even dance anymore (I used to be a dancer on the university Dancesport team) and I just don't see a reason why to carry on. I keep scraping through exams other than the practical ones and I'm just not enjoying much of it at all.


I'm thinking about leaving it all and going to be a paramedic. It's what I wanted to do in the first place and I think it's really where my heart's at but I just don't know. My parents would hate me for it, I don't think my boyfriend would really be all too happy about it and I just don't know. I can't decide. I've agonised over it, shed plenty of tears and lost a lot of sleep over it. It's a very difficult decision but one I will have to make soon enough.

It's A Strange World

Those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that I've recently spent 9 days in hospital. It was an interesting experience to say the least. It was very up and down and incredibly emotional. I cried a lot, I got angry a lot, and I learned who my friends are really and truly. Being ill enough to be in hospital teaches you a lot.


It's a very strange experience being a patient in your own hospital. On the first two wards I was on, I knew the majority of the staff, and even managed to have a catch up with a few of them, but suffice to say, it was very odd not being in control of anything. Even through the pain, I wanted to answer ringing call bells.  I wanted to help the other patients who  looked more ill than me. I wanted to help everyone, and be the one to answer the call bells instead of being the one pressing my buzzer. I got a real taste of how horrible and scary and disorientating and confusing and just how strange it is being a patient. This is something I'm going to remember in future. I don't think I could ever fully appreciate what it was like in the hospital as a patient before now.


Throughout the whole time, my best friend and my boyfriend (The Manchester Medic) were both very supportive. They even made my birthday fun, despite me being in hospital and in pain, and feeling generally terrible. I felt like a fraud to begin with, because everyone else just looked so much more ill than I thought I did. It was only on the second night did I realise how ill I actually was. I'd fought this illness for a month before admitting defeat and letting myself be admitted to hospital. Medical Students are well known for the phenomenon that is "Medstudentitis". We all think we have every disease we study. Something that comes from having too much knowledge I guess. Except, I'd refused to admit that I really was ill. I kept saying I was fine until the point where I just had to give in.


I learned a lot from being a patient, and this is something I'm going to share over the next few days and weeks.


And for those of you wondering about my health - I'm still in pain, I'm still exhausted and I'm still ill. Nobody knows what's wrong but it's definitely not an infection or anything urological. If you want to play guess the diagnosis, email me and I'll give you a run down of my history and symptoms. Would be interesting to know what differentials people come up with!! Let me know by leaving your differential diagnoses in the comments of this post.

Disappearing Act

Apologies for disappearances of posts and of myself from the blogosphere for the last two weeks. I've had a few problems with a few things. Mostly it's been friends, ex-friends, moving house, sick housemates, sick pussacat, placement and my own ill health causing problems. Just about everything really.


In the mean time, I've been sleeping, hunting for houses/flats for next year, in and out of A&E, Doctors surgeries and hospitals (Probable kidney stones. Joy.). I've been working stupidly hard on my project on cardiac physiology. I'm writing a report, and planning and creating a presentation (for the record, I really really really hate MS PowerPoint. I hate looking at them, I hate making them, I hate them full stop.) and it's taking up a lot of my time right now.


On top of all that I've been coping with horrible renal colic, resulting in me being given lots of painkillers and a referral to the urology clinic. I've also been dealing with my mental health. I have an appointment for CBT booked, I've had my antidepressant dose upped and some of my regular medications changed. Just now it seems my brain runs at 100 miles an hour and my body can't cope. I am hyper for a couple of days and then I crash out and get more depressed and sleep loads and cry and have a bit of a crisis over whether I want to be at Medical School still or not. Quite frankly, right now, I don't know what I want.


I'm really struggling academically this term and I don't know why. I absolutely love cardiology, and I find it fascinating and highly interesting but I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the science. I guess I'm just not up to this right now with everything that I've got going on. I need to know how best to make me learn this and I can't work out how. 


And to top it all off, on top of me feeling stupidly thick all the time at medical school, my housemate has just come in and made me feel about a centimetre tall. I want to help, really I do but I can't do anything. Right now, I feel completely useless no matter where I am or who I'm with.

A Little Dilemma

At my medical school, we learn clinical skills from year one. This year, I have so far been taught to take blood from patients and to cannulate them. However, I was taught to do these on a plastic arm. Those of you who are familiar with these "practice arms" will know that they just don't feel like a real vein on a real arm on a real person. 


My dilemma is this: However much you practice on a fake arm, it doesn't feel anything like the real thing. Cannulating your first patient, or performing your first venepuncture is absolutely terrifying and if you've never done it on a real person before, the chances are you might not manage it. If a patient asks you whether you've done it before, what do you say? "Yes, but not on a real person"? We're not allowed to practise on each other, and so we get no practice on real arms before we do it on real patients. I want to pose two questions to you.

1. If a patient asks you "Have you done this before?" and you've only done it on a plastic arm, what would you say?
2. Do you think medical students should be allowed to practise on each other, and what is your reasoning behind your answer?

I'd love to know what you think!! Leave me your comments and I'll try to answer them all.

Ill. Again.

For those of you who know me, I have the world's worst immune system. Not a quality you want in a possible future doctor, and in an auxiliary nurse I know. I've been ill on and off for the last week, until tonight when I felt absolutely horrific and was in huge amounts of pain. I'm not brilliant at looking after myself when I'm stressed and this time I'm no different, but this time, I've had a lot more to think about, and there are people I've needed and wanted to look out for, so in order to do that, I ignored my illness.


Turns out, I'm bloody unlucky anyway. I have a chest infection and a kidney infection. Double whammy. What joy!! Anywho..... bedtime. I feel like crap.